Wow! It's already March? My oh my, is 2010 going by quickly!

Well, it's been an interesting school year, to say the least. Between major roommate problems (you can find one such incident that still angers me here) and tough classes, I'm so ready for the summer! After tomorrow, it is Spring Break and I will get to go visit family in Canada. I'm very excited for this, as I haven't been up in years and I'm going by myself instead of with my mom, sister and brother like usual. 
 
 
Ahh, Valentine's Day. A time when Hallmark's stock skyrockets and couples everywhere spend time with each other - be it a dinner, movies, etc. - and spend money on each other to show affection - purchasing flowers, wallets, etc. for their loved one. 

I've never really hated or loved Valentine's Day. It's never been a holiday I've expected people to shower me with gifts and telling me what I mean to them. In elementary school we are socialized into the holiday by decorating shoe boxes and writing our name on store-bought Valentine's, sometimes writing an extra message if we have a "crush" on someone. Later on, like in high school and college, the pressure is on for men to make their girl's day as special as possible. 

Most Valentine's Days of my life, I've been single. The years I haven't been have had their fair share of ups and downs - from the high school boyfriend who my friends had to force to buy me a single rose at lunch to receiving flowers for the first time last year from Steve at my house. The day has never been one that's stood out in my mind; if you can't tell someone you care about them without a holiday forcing you to do so, then something is up. 
 
 
This past year, I have encountered multiple women who have experienced and ended an abusive relationship. These have ran the gamut of women who, married for years, finally commit to separation from that person because he was emotionally abusive, to women who, after subtle signs of abuse came to light, discovered their boyfriend was not who they thought he was and were forced to leave.

Statistics show that about 1.5 million women are raped and/or physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey (NVAWS). This is just in the U.S. alone. And while domestic violence is usually understood as a woman suffering physical abuse, there are other types of abuse as well. 

 
Mañana 11/29/2009
 
Tomorrow. Tomorrow! TOMORROW!

Clearly, I'm very excited that tomorrow will be the day I pick up my boyfriend from the airport. This year has brought about many trials and tribulations, and I've learned more than I thought I would about myself, about human nature, and about being a better person. At the core of this is selflessness, which is difficult to achieve. However, being in a military relationship, you automatically have to learn selflessness. 

I had an earlier instance in which I felt like being selfish, but I learned quickly that I had to 1) forgive the people who had wronged me and 2) remind myself that Steve's homecoming is not about me.

And then...today's drama unfolded. 

 
Keepin' it New 11/08/2009
 
This last week was definitely a week I was deep in thought. Some events turned my thoughts in one way, and talks with friends turned them in another direction just as suddenly. 

At the end of last week, a friend of mine and I were discussing relationships. Usually I'm cautious on this topic, as I'm no expert and my situation is different than that of my civilian friends, and it was surprising to discover that even if you're in the same town, the same school, or even living in the same building as someone else, it can feel as though you are miles apart.

Men (and women) sometimes become complacent in relationships. They can believe that once they've "won" the guy or girl they are pursuing, they don't have to be romantic anymore. Relationships can then become stagnant, and break ups or disappointments can occur. I've seen this happen and have experienced it myself, but I've learned some important lessons from this military relationship... 

1) Treat each day like it's your first date together.
This doesn't always hold if your first date was awkward, but seek out new information about your significant other like you would on a first date. Ask him or her how they are and listen, really listen, to the response. Be romantic and loving, and never take your time together for granted. Learn something new about your love and build on what you already know through affectionate gestures or compliments. 

2) Find a way to show you care each day.
Even a simple, one minute phone call or one line email can brighten your significant other's day and keep the relationship heart beating. Find a way to let them know you're thinking of them. Even if you have a busy day, that little bit of time you spend on that person can mean the world.

Keeping a relationship feeling like new, just like taking care of anything you treasure, takes time and effort. But, in the end, the effort is well worth it!
 
 
We live in a crazy world, and, as such, there are plenty of crazy people living in it. This rings true even in military wife and girlfriend circles. Whether you've met them or are just Facebook friends or "following" one another on Twitter, the Crazy Woman lurks around the corner of almost every social group, but especially in military wife and girlfriend groups (at least from my experience; but then again, maybe I just naturally attract friendships with the mentally unstable members of this group of society, haha).

The Crazy Woman in military circles can be distinguished in three broad categories…

 1. Crazy Woman in Love: Off the Deep End

Her Facebook status usually portrays her man as the perfect human being who can do no wrong and who is always kind, romantic, caring, etc. A second look at their relationship, however, and her man seems overbearing, protective, cocky and cruel. From a link to her page on The Knot, it's obvious that her wedding to this Perfect Soldier is her first priority, above breathing, eating or a social life. This last point rings true when she asks not-so-passively that you, her online friend, buy her something she wants in her wedding registry. 

If you meet her in person, you get to know her significant other more than her, causing you to question her sanity about 10 minutes (or 10 seconds, upon reflection) into the meeting, and for the following time period you are around her you hear exclusively about him, even to the point where she tells random strangers you encounter together in public about him, his career, how much she misses him, etc.

 2) Crazy Woman in Love: Testing the Waters

She is always trying to find ways to get attention from others in the military community or outside of it, with statuses or Twitter updates constantly about the military, her blog, her boyfriend, or the latest dozen roses her boyfriend/fiancee/husband sent her and how GORGEOUS they are (though curiously, a photo is always missing of the dozen roses from her profile).

If in school or a career, she will abandon her search for a degree or independence after some time because her man has promised her the world and more, and so marrying him, even if she is at a young age, becomes priority over, you know, deciding what to do with her life. But don't let her age fool you; she is MUCH more mature because her birthday just passed, and so now instead of being a naïve child, she is a mature and wise woman. This woman then evolves into a character much like our 1st. case, delving off the deep end and straight into the status of Crazy Woman.

 3) Crazy Woman in Love: The "WTF" Edition (aka the Serial Dog Tag Chaser)

She dates a soldier for quite some time, and they have a dramatic falling out online while he is deployed, to which she returns to her "single" status and bashes him repeatedly. She does so through questioning his manhood, saying he is scum of the earth and she is better off without him, while getting sympathy or support from others who agree that he was "no good from the start."

After some time, she can be seen dating or being engaged again to another man in the armed forces, one of whom she has yet to meet in person and who she met online after he already dated a mutual online friend of hers, using her and then breaking up with her when she became too overbearing. Basically, she doesn't realize it, but she will be discarded like this other girl was, but the only people who see this don't know what to tell her, because they know she will bounce back and find another soldier again within the month to start the process anew.

I would be lying if I said I made up these instances, but these are all true occurrences I have come across during my own journey in a relationship. The worst characteristic of all of the Crazy Woman, though, is her fluidity and self-centeredness in relationships outside of the one with her soldier. 

What do I mean by this? If you are not a Crazy Woman - reminiscing for hours about how amazing your man is, always preparing something to send off to him or living and breathing the notion that your "hero" will be home in X amount of days - you are looked down upon. If you don't receive a dozen roses every two weeks, your man isn't loving or isn't trying hard enough, so you aren't worth the Crazy Woman's time. If you come to a bump in the road of your relationship and could use someone to talk to or vent about it, you're looked at as weak for questioning your man and judged as unworthy to date the Perfect Soldier of which they, of course, have found and worship his every move.

Here are some tips to avoid being or becoming the Crazy Woman among your online and real life friends…

 1) Get a life.

No, really, get a life. Do something with yourself. Get that degree you desire and seek out other friends. Pick up a new hobby or start a class you've been wanting to take. Don't be afraid to be independent and talk about other things in your life. It's okay to have other interests outside of your boyfriend's/fiancée's/ husband's career!  Really, it's a good thing to be your own woman! And if you are planning a wedding, that's awesome! But remember, reminding everyone every day online that your wedding is now 321 days away instead of 322 and that they ought to check your website for your gift registry can get on their nerves, as they have lives of their own to worry about and can't always cater to yours.

 2) Trust your instinct.

If something feels off about your man or your relationship, it probably is. See what other people think about your situation and base your judgments on that and your own thoughts and feelings about what is going on. Communicate effectively with him and tell him your concerns, but do so in such a way that no loss of trust or confusion arises. If there's distance involved in a dispute, this is usually easier to do via Skype, as the combination of video and audio is more like being in person than an email or IM would be. 

Also, never, ever let a man come between you and your dreams and ambitions. "Can't" should never be a word you hear from him in regards to your passions ("You can't study that/do this/go there"), and if it is, THAT IS A RED FLAG. A relationship should be nurturing and caring, and relying on another person to decide what is best for you creates a relationship you don't want if you're going to be a couple. What would that relationship be, you ask? The role of lord (him) and servant (you).

3) If you date someone & it ends, give yourself time before starting another relationship up. 

This is a mistake I've seen more than once. Women think they should just hop from relationship to relationship without that oh-so-valuable time to recharge and be happy on one's own. While the time between relationships cannot really be determined on a sweeping scale, usually it is a good idea to wait until you are ready to find someone else. For me, that generally means taking the time I had in the relationship and dividing at least by half before I'm ready to date someone else in a committed sense (i.e. if your last relationship was six months, hold off on another serious relationship for three months). This doesn't mean you shouldn't ever go out on dates, but don't jump right into someone else's arms the second your relationship ends.

If all women - dating a soldier or otherwise - were required to swear on the Bible (or any other religious text of choice, for that matter) to adhere to these guidelines, perhaps this world would be a little less crazy for it. But until then, ladies, be smart! Don't become the Crazy Woman all your online and real life friends talk about as "the one that's obsessed with this guy in the military" or "the ridiculous girl that can't see that he's too controlling." Love your man, but value yourself and your reputation, your brain and your life, too.