Disintegration 10/29/2009
 
I try to be positive. I really do. But some days, it's nearly impossible. 

Today is one of those days. 

It's a day where the weather is already bringing you down (forecast for St. Louis all month = perpetual rainfall), and then you add all these other factors that culminate in a desperate, pathetic breakdown that only a few people can understand and even fewer have dealt with firsthand. It's hard to believe I let things get so bad, but honestly, who can deal with all of this? 

It's times like these I have a few people I can really, truly depend on. If this tour of duty has done me only one thing, it's who my real friends are versus my acquaintances. Sometimes that line seems blurry, like at the start of this journey with Steve where people would ask, "How are you?" and seemed truly concerned. But as time has gone on, those who truly care stand out and everyone else falls by the wayside. It's unfortunate that this happens, but at least I know who the true friends are now. 

No one here really understands what I'm going through, and it's super frustrating. I wish more of my friends knew what this was like - dealing with the distance and college and a thousand other troubles - because it can be so difficult some days (like today). But what can you do?
 
 
I hear all the time about the disadvantages of having to deal with a long-distance military relationship, but has anyone talked about the benefits? You won't believe it, but there are some advantages!


For instance...
  • Avoiding weight gain b/c, as a couple, you can work out and eat better when you're together (it's a career matter, after all). Also, when apart, you want to keep down weight for when homecoming approaches!
  • You have less pressure to dress up daily (except when taking pics or making videos to send to your soldier); it's acceptable to wear comfy clothes 24/7!
  • Spontaneous conversations online or spontaneous phone calls keeps things from getting dull in the relationship. What's better than hearing your man's voice at 2 a.m.? Answer: Almost nothing because it can make your day!
  • You an come up with silly online games to play (for example: online scavenger hunt to solve a puzzle) or lots of questions to ask each other.
  • Trip planning is that much more fun b/c w/ being apart you know that little bit of time together matters so much! For example, our trip to Orlando has been fun to plan, and we've only just started saving up
  • Discover new interests together-apart (TV shows, books, etc.). Steve has been reading a lot more lately, for example, and some of the series he likes I'm going to read so we can talk about the books together!
Can you think of any other advantage to a long-distance military relationship? Share them in the comments section!
 
Music to my Ears 10/20/2009
 
Music has always been a big part of my life. As a kid growing up in Wyoming, I only really listened to country and Top 40 because that's all our radio stations had.

When we moved to Missouri, my musical tastes expanded. It was the late 90's and boy bands were a big deal. I loved listening to the radio, and one day changing stations led me to find Classic99, St. Louis's classical music station. I fell in love with classical music, listening to it on the radio and picking up the violin in 5th. grade when I quit figure skating lessons.

I've always loved music because you can find a song for every situation of your life. Happy, sad, angry, doesn't matter: someone has written a song for how you feel. Music allowed me to express feelings without words, as I developed technique on the violin and practiced more solos as my talent matured. 

Eventually, I ventured outside of the classical genre and played in my church's worship band. I began playing in the band spring of my junior year of high school (2006 - feels like a lifetime ago now!), and developed a crush on the bass player in the band. Can you guess who that was? It was Steve! We didn't really talk much and each of us had a significant other, but I had a sneaking suspicion he liked me too. 

When he enlisted last July and was leaving for basic training, he admitted to liking me. I didn't know what to do with this new-found information, but we eventually talked about music, as it was the main reason we met, and he recommended some of his favorite bands. I began a playlist in my iTunes library titled "Suggested by Steve" and would listen to it a lot when he was away. 

Some of his favorites became my favorites, and throughout the journey of our relationship, various songs have become "our songs." Like with the "Suggested by Steve" playlist, my library has an "Our Songs" playlist. 

It might be corny, but sometimes just listening to the songs helps me to feel everything I've felt since this journey began, and I can only anticipate that I know I'm not alone in all of this...that there's a reason I wait, a reason I wake up each morning knowing it's one day closer to the time he's home.
 
 
I recently saw on this Facebook group I'm part of (though I don't participate much in it...long story) that Nicholas Sparks' book, "Dear John," is being adapted to film. Actor Channing Tatum plays the role of title character John Tyree, a young man in the Army who meets Savannah Lynn Curtis, played by Amanda Seyfried in the movie, while he's on R&R. 

After seeing all these mil gfs/fiancees get worked up about the movie (mostly ooh-ing and ahh-ing about Channing Tatum), I found the trailer online. Click here to check it out if you're interested. 

I read the book and must say I'm a skeptic about the movie. For one thing, I didn't think the book was written that well. The book ending was NOT what I expected. The book actually made me angry about how Sparks portrayed Savannah. She was not a very strong character, and while Sparks seems keen on description, Savannah comes off as a kind but naive girl. It's hard to say in reading it if I could really find myself liking her. Perhaps that was his intent, but as far as a love story goes, it didn't sell well with me.

Also, the trailer wasn't that spectacular. It makes some attempt at capturing most key scenes from the book, but isn't particularly exciting to watch. Like the book, it's a lot of talking at a slow pace, capturing a few romantic scenes. If I hadn't already read the book, I still don't think the trailer would have been a big sell for me.

I realize "Dear John" is a work of fiction; the author only has so much space to portray a story, and usually in a first person narrative one can only choose to explain one perspective. I was disappointed in how it was written, though. I don't think it was one of his stronger stories (like A Walk to Remember or The Notebook), but perhaps the movie version will improve upon the foundation the book provides.

"Dear John" comes to theaters Feb. 5, 2010.
 
Homecoming 10/16/2009
 
Less than a month and a half and he is home for R&R.

I have no idea how to react anymore. There's no way to contain the excitement, the nervousness…the fear.

Fear shouldn't be a reaction, right? I shouldn't be scared to see my boyfriend after he's been gone for a year. But I am a teensy bit scared. Scared something will go wrong during the short amount of time we have. Afraid a fight between us will make his R&R only memorable as a time he wished he was still away from home.  

I know it's paranoia. But it's been so long. We dated a week before he had to go, and now, almost a year since we began on this journey, he'll be back for double the time he was home before. Of course I'm scared!

I want to tell myself this is normal. It's our first homecoming and I want everything to be perfect. Being patient is not my forte, but it's all I can do right now. But I haven't felt this nervous in a very long time. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever felt so nervous! I visualize seeing him again and feeling those same feelings I felt when he left - uncertainty, fear, that tight feeling in my throat - but I know I'll also feel new feelings - joy, excitement, the thrill of being together once again. 

I have 44 days to prepare for his return. I hope the emotions don't overwhelm me before the big day!
 
Good & Bad 10/08/2009
 
There are pluses and minuses with everything in life. Many good actions or events come with both good and not-so-good outcomes. Example: setting the bar high for yourself during an exam is good, but on the other hand you have to do well from now on to maintain that grade. Another example: Earlier and longer R&R is awesome, but not so if you also have finals smack dab in the middle of it.

That's what has just come up today in my life; Steve will be back a little earlier and for longer leave! :) The downside, like I said, is because he's here earlier than we anticipated, I have to deal with finals more than I would have if he were still doing processing at his next base before coming home (we thought he'd get here mid-December, but it turns out he'll be home earlier than that!). And while I'm happy his leave is about 4 days longer than expected, this will be Year #2 of our relationship that New Years will be spent apart. 

I know I'm probably being petty about it and should just be thankful for him being home for a while, but it's difficult. I'm a junior in college and my life in general has been an uphill climb for me since Day 1. We've moved oodles (as you can see from my last blog post), and there have been times where life for me in general has felt very lonely because I don't have a really strong friend base (I do have VERY good friends all over the place, but I still keep myself from being close to people as a result of so many moves). 

In 8 months I'm taking the most important test of my young life thus far (the LSAT) and only get to see my boyfriend ~1 month before we're apart once again for who knows how long. I'm involved (probably over-involved) at school and busy with home life, and it's just a never-ending whirl of insanity that I can't shake or improve upon. I wish I could just find time to BREATHE and realize everything will work out, but will it? How do I know I won't just be doomed to fail in the end?

Today is just one of those days I want to swift-kick the Army for further complicating my life. The icky 9+ hours of rain around the area isn't helping my mood either. :(

Let's hope for a good weekend (full of less crazy occurrences)! :)
 
Nomad 10/03/2009
 
Hey all! I thought I would give a quick update right now because I have a pretty big headache and reading research for my research methods class isn't really helping. Everything has been going pretty well in life; I really have no complaints outside of the fact that we're moving again, and so today I had to sort out the remainder of my stuff in my room and either box it up, take it to school or donate it. 

Even though my involvement in the military never quite began until November of last year, when Steve and I began dating, I've probably moved more than some military families even as a civilian. Sometimes I feel my existence has been a nomadic one. 

I attended seven different elementary schools from kindergarten through fifth (the best year being fourth grade, where I attended THREE different schools in just 9 months' time); lived in about 10 different apartments/houses in 3 different states (Wyoming, N. Dakota & now we're in Missouri) & am only 21, and looking to do law school out of state soon, which would be yet another move under my belt. All this while not being a military brat or wife of a soldier (yet - hopefuly; I don't want to push my luck!) can take a toll on a person!

I don't envy people who stay in one place their whole life; they really miss out on meeting new people or the potential to start over which moving provides. I guess even now, at age 21, I should be used to moving, but it still bothers me to move, even when it's necessary (like right now, with us putting our house up for sale and my mom and stepdad going through a divorce). 

The only constant security & stability I've had has been in the form of my mother, who even at the young age she is, with three kids to take care of and all the added stress of our situation, still is the best example I have of a driven, motivated woman. While it's never easy having to box up everything and move yet again to an unfamiliar place, we are able to make the move fairly smoothly considering all that we face in lieu of a move.

It's difficult to move and do new things, but I'm hoping all these moves I've had in my young life serve a purpose; maybe God has been preparing me all along for the trials of a marriage based around the military and all the moves which come along with it. Maybe I'll be able to orchestrate moves for my family as a "dependent" as fluidly as my mom has as a civilian. [*side-rant: That term for wives is pretty degrading, isn't it? You're MORE than a dependent, but I guess not in the eyes of the armed forces. Bleh. That's one thing that just irks me so much! *end of rant] 

While I don't know what the future holds, hopefully we don't have many moves left before we really have a home and aren't just attempting to live in a house friends are providing for us in our time of need. (Note: While I am grateful and very thankful we do have somewhere to go, it was such a DUMP before we got there and cleaned over the course of the end of summer!)

Ok, back to school work. Enjoy your weekend, everyone!
 
Impatient 10/01/2009
 
I am NOT a patient person. At all. I hate waiting for things to happen and being in limbo about so many things in my life. College is definitely a place where everything is in progress, and certainly a military relationship can feel that way when you're in Girlfriend Mode and anticipate your future as an individual and in a relationship (or maybe even in Wife Mode, when you are waiting for your spouse's return or to find out the next duty station). Yet I have no control over so many things which require patience, and so I've been learning, over the course of the last 304 days.

Yep, that's how long it's been since Steve has been gone, and while most people say, "He's almost home!" and I do agree with that, it's not soon enough. Time hasn't made it any easier for me to see those couples who have the privilege of enjoying one another's company every day and not feel that tiny, sharp pang in my chest of wanting what they have more than I want food or air. 

But I knew what I was getting into and the reality of it is it isn't easy. Whatever contact with my boyfriend I do have, though - surprise phone calls on an unexpected day off, flowers on my birthday (they were really beautiful!), or a quick email just to let me know he's thinking of me - I know that we can still care about each other and show that affection other couples do, just in a different way.

As of today, Steve has about 60 days left in Korea, and after processing at his next unit (which takes a week or so), he will be home. But it feels so far away! I've been waiting for him to come home since the day he left, but now that we're in the homestretch time has seriously slowed down. School and my other activities keep me busy, but gosh does December feel far away! 

While my patience is often tested because of this particular tour of duty, I'm more excited than ever for the next countdown of sorts Steve and I will be anticipating. We're planning a summer trip together! Neither of us have been to Florida, so we have been planning to go to Orlando for a week. I've already started saving and we have some friends we might ask to come along because of a condo deal I might have through family. I can't wait for that!

I might be short on patience when it comes to waiting, but if forced to, I would wait much longer just to know that at the end of it all, he would be coming home once more.